Dad pointed out a flaw in my understanding of selfishness and selflessness and what the two entail. After doing a bit of thinking on it, I discovered that in many situations I was not being selfish and it was due to my poor understanding of the definition. Before, I defined selfishness as acting for my own interests and happiness without sacrifice to others. I defined selflessness as the opposite, which was sacrificing my happiness and interests to the happiness and interests of other people. What Dad pointed out to me though was that I made the fatal flaw of basing both on other people. That is to say, one can be selfish or selfless without any effect or influence from other people. For example, choosing to sleep in over going to class is a selfless act, even though I'm not sacrificing my interests to another person. However, I am sacrificing a lesser value (sleeping in) to a higher value (going to class).
A small but decisive detail has changed my outlook on selfishness. I rarely if ever sacrifice myself to other people (a few slip-ups), but I still wasn't being entirely selfish. I realize now that much of being selfish is defining my own priorities and following through with pursuing them. A major roadblock for me in being totally selfish is just plain laziness. The sleeping in/class example is very much taken from real life (I do love my warm bed in the morning). Much of the work lies within me, as it should be.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Not a Great Day
My parents are getting divorced. My sister and I have known for about a week or so, but they just told my brother today, who was in Arizona for the past month.
I can't think of any other word to describe it other than weird. My parents are so different from other parents. I know every kid thinks that, but they really are. Mine are never overly protective, nor are they negligent. They approached their parenting very rational and goal oriented. They didn't just get through it like I feel a lot of parents do. They love us very much and relate to each of us on a personal level. We get along so well that it's considered odd by most people.
Knowing that they were so different as parents, I expected them to be different as a couple. I expected them to be together till one died. (Forever never seemed like the right word since I don't believe in an afterlife and all that). So imagine my surprise coming home one day to overhear them fighting about alimony and separate apartments.
At first I was shocked and didn't really know how to handle it. After a while it settled in. Right now I know it's real, but it doesn't feel that way. Things at home are pretty much the same other than some home improvement projects to pretty up the house for resale. I don't think it will really set in until we sell the house and my parents move into separate living spaces. Till then it's just me thinking about the details of what's to come: where my parents will live, where Briana and Miguel will stay, where my stuff will go, if and when they'll start dating, how the divorce will change our expenses, where I'll stay when I come home, etc. Except for the first few days, it hasn't been too emotional. My parents are getting divorced. They're doing it because their relationship is no longer working. They're going to do their best to keep our lives normal and with their schedules, the kids are almost guaranteed equal time with both. I'm not affected too much by it because I'm (halfway) out of the house. I think what it so weird is that everybody is so calm and accepting of it. No after-school special drama here.
I think it's our close bond as a family, open communication, and the fact that we're all 13+ years old that has given way to such a calm divorce. We all know that Mom and Dad still love us. We know that they've tried for a long time to make it work and this is no light decision. We know it will be better for them to move on individually rather than stay together. We know that it will all be OK. It's a very amiable divorce.
My only hang-up on it all is that for the longest time my parents were a model for me for relationships. Everybody else's parents were either divorced or together but passionless. My parents seemed to make it work. They didn't run away from their issues and they made an effort to go out together and spend time at home. Lately that had changed as jobs and different interests led them to spend more time apart. I thought that was just them pursuing their individual interests. They can't spend all their time together, right? Maybe it was because I was away at school or I'm not that perceptive, but I really didn't see this coming. It scares me that I didn't notice the weren't wearing their wedding rings for a long time. And it scares me that the one couple I had put my confidence in is now breaking apart. Most of the relationships around me are so broken. Divorce, stale marriages, messy breakups, hasty engagements, and just mismatched people are everywhere. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. With all that, my confidence in two people being happy together for life is a bit shaken.
I expect even that will be temporary. Right now I'm focused on living life to the fullest and being there for my family. This isn't easy on any of us. But we're going to be OK.
I can't think of any other word to describe it other than weird. My parents are so different from other parents. I know every kid thinks that, but they really are. Mine are never overly protective, nor are they negligent. They approached their parenting very rational and goal oriented. They didn't just get through it like I feel a lot of parents do. They love us very much and relate to each of us on a personal level. We get along so well that it's considered odd by most people.
Knowing that they were so different as parents, I expected them to be different as a couple. I expected them to be together till one died. (Forever never seemed like the right word since I don't believe in an afterlife and all that). So imagine my surprise coming home one day to overhear them fighting about alimony and separate apartments.
At first I was shocked and didn't really know how to handle it. After a while it settled in. Right now I know it's real, but it doesn't feel that way. Things at home are pretty much the same other than some home improvement projects to pretty up the house for resale. I don't think it will really set in until we sell the house and my parents move into separate living spaces. Till then it's just me thinking about the details of what's to come: where my parents will live, where Briana and Miguel will stay, where my stuff will go, if and when they'll start dating, how the divorce will change our expenses, where I'll stay when I come home, etc. Except for the first few days, it hasn't been too emotional. My parents are getting divorced. They're doing it because their relationship is no longer working. They're going to do their best to keep our lives normal and with their schedules, the kids are almost guaranteed equal time with both. I'm not affected too much by it because I'm (halfway) out of the house. I think what it so weird is that everybody is so calm and accepting of it. No after-school special drama here.
I think it's our close bond as a family, open communication, and the fact that we're all 13+ years old that has given way to such a calm divorce. We all know that Mom and Dad still love us. We know that they've tried for a long time to make it work and this is no light decision. We know it will be better for them to move on individually rather than stay together. We know that it will all be OK. It's a very amiable divorce.
My only hang-up on it all is that for the longest time my parents were a model for me for relationships. Everybody else's parents were either divorced or together but passionless. My parents seemed to make it work. They didn't run away from their issues and they made an effort to go out together and spend time at home. Lately that had changed as jobs and different interests led them to spend more time apart. I thought that was just them pursuing their individual interests. They can't spend all their time together, right? Maybe it was because I was away at school or I'm not that perceptive, but I really didn't see this coming. It scares me that I didn't notice the weren't wearing their wedding rings for a long time. And it scares me that the one couple I had put my confidence in is now breaking apart. Most of the relationships around me are so broken. Divorce, stale marriages, messy breakups, hasty engagements, and just mismatched people are everywhere. More than half of all marriages end in divorce. With all that, my confidence in two people being happy together for life is a bit shaken.
I expect even that will be temporary. Right now I'm focused on living life to the fullest and being there for my family. This isn't easy on any of us. But we're going to be OK.
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